I’ve been away from here lately for a couple of reasons. First, I’ve been busy actually doing things and living life. I find it hard to balance actually doing things and then remembering to take pics and actually share them here! So forgive me for my absence because of that.
Secondly, I’ve been fighting a summer cold. Living in close quarters with several people will tend to make you sick in several ways. We’ll get to some of that in a minute. But there’s been a summer cold going around and I came down with it last week. I’m still fighting it off and spent yesterday in bed doing nothing but reading. That was nice. I’m starting to feel better so I hope to get back to homesteading very soon. Of course I need to go supply and grocery shopping in the big city but that will have to wait until next week. We’ll load up on some groceries in town today to get us through.
But mostly I’ve been away because I have been thinking about things. A lot. For those of you who know me, you’ll know this isn’t a shock! I’m an overthinker. It gets me in trouble sometimes. But when things are weighing on me, like they have been lately, I need to take a step back and work through my process. So what has been on my mind lately? Well, that’s a hard one to answer as well. A lot of things have been weighing on my mind. Friendships. Confidence in myself. My future. Where I want to be, what I want to be doing. Pretty much the same things that always weigh on my mind! I’ve been in a funk because of these things. It took a lot of discussion and a lot of careful consideration to get me out of that funk.
First, I think my biggest issue is a lack of confidence. Confidence in myself and my abilities. See, I have always had a sense of self-deprecation so other people wouldn’t judge me too much. If I told people what my faults were, or acted like I couldn’t accomplish something, then they would already know and wouldn’t then talk about me or judge me. But the older I get, and hopefully the wiser I get, I realize this isn’t really who I am. I am capable, and somewhat confident in my abilities. And I realize how much that acting this way is starting to affect me negatively, especially in my relationships. Mostly in my ‘friendships’. The Mister has always been 100% supportive and has told me over and over how much I am capable of accomplishing. I just haven’t believed him. I have always been influenced by other people, mostly in a positive manner, but sometimes not. When I’m around someone who is negative, I find that I am negative. When I’m around positive people, I’m really positive. I look at things differently. The negativity really drags me down. Literally. My body aches more. I am sad more. I am more negative. But if I’m around people who have a more positive outlook and don’t complain, I tend to be more positive, more confident, and complain less.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, it’s been negative lately. Lots of complaining. Not as positive an outlook. Which makes me start to think about things. In a negative manner. So that’s what I’ve been doing. But I think between discussing things with the Mister and some of my other friends, who are very positive and supportive, I’ve been able to breathe easier. I’ve been able to step back and get a grip on my thoughts. And that’s been a life saver.
I’ve also been so scared of failure that I haven’t really give this homesteading thing a real go yet. I know people tend to sensationalize things, like how wonderful their lives are, or when a celebrity passes away, but there’s been a couple of things that have really affected me and made me reconsider my attitude (other than what I mentioned above). First, it was the deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. What? How could celebrity deaths affect me this way? I think it’s because you have these two celebrities that I actually admired, who seem to have it all, but were quietly suffering. And they had great attitudes about life. Yes, Anthony Bourdain did have a more pessimistic attitude, but that’s part of what made him, well, him. There were a couple of quotes from both of them that really stuck with me and made me realize that I haven’t actually given anything a go. So with their deaths, I have realized that they actually lived life to the fullest. They were successful because they tried. They gave it their all. Have I? No. I have been wallowing in self-doubt and self-pity about my circumstances rather than actually doing anything.
Don’t rest on your laurels. The end result isn’t as important as the effort that goes into it. Jump all the way in. Don’t be afraid. And don’t worry so much. Not every little pebble is a boulder.
See, I’ve lost part of who I am. There are parts of me that changes through the years, as we normally do. We grow, we change. But there are parts of me that I lost that I’d like to have back again. Like being a little more laid back. Yes. I used to be more laid back. The Mister and I discussed this recently. And I think I mentioned it here earlier or over on instagram. I used to be more ‘go with the flow’ and I’d like that part of me back. I used to also enjoy being outside more and working outside more. I think having a desk job will make you lose that part of yourself sometimes. Or at least it did for me. Working a full time job where you are the person in charge can also make you lose that part of you too. I don’t want to be so busy with a job that I forget to take care of myself. So I’m working on figuring out what parts of myself I lost that I want to get back and which parts of myself are good now, which ones I can let go of.
So this brings me to friendships and that empowered women quote from above (that I snagged from here), rung true to me when I saw it on instagram last week. It struck a certain cord with me. Have I been a good friend? Have a I tried to empower other women? Or am I critical and try to tear other women down? Are the women in my life a positive influence? Are they uplifting me or trying to tear me down? I am still answering these questions but I found that I am not surprised by my answers to the questions. That’s not who I want to be. I want to be a supportive, positive influence on the people in my life. And if I can’t be, or they can’t be, then things need to change. I need to change. I need to not have the negative people in my life. If I find I can’t support someone, why? What is it that makes me not be supportive? How can I change that? And why isn’t someone being supportive of me? Is it my behavior that makes them act that way? Or is it them? Is there something we can do to make that person be more supportive? Or is it time to let that person go?
So where does all this leave me? It leaves me wanting to do better. To do more. To have more positive people in my life and be more positive. To be more supportive to those people who are in my life. And get rid of the excess baggage. And to actually try to do things and be successful at them. I am constantly riddled with fear. I want to work through those fears so I can live my life to its fullest. And figure out how to do all these things. I feel like I’m on the right track. And now I’ve really put it out there it’s time to sink or swim.