Resistance

I've long been a person who resists. I resist change. I resist following through. I resist. I resist. I resist. But over the past year or so, I've been a lot more willing to make changes. I guess I didn't have a choice. After separating from my marriage it was pretty much sink or swim. I chose to swim. And by choosing that, I had to choose change. The past few months have been hard. I'm not going to lie. I am a big believer that things happen for a reason. And I think what's made everything hard is that I have been resisting again. I've been holding on so tight that I can't see the lesson in things. I feel like a bumper car--bumping and turning and just going around and around in circles. Until I hit rock bottom. And then my eyes are fully open and aware of what the universe has been trying to tell me and show me.

Some of those things that I have been learning is to not dive into something so quickly and with both feet. It's okay to test the waters. It's okay to say no. Or to say maybe. Or to say I'll think about it. Or to ask questions. I've never been one to ask questions. And that leads me to landing in a situation, or situations, that are not always the best for me. I just fumble around and say yes and then start down a path and then BAM! I hit a wall. And then I'm left scrambling trying to fix that situation or get myself out of that situation. So I think the universe has been showing me how that has been working for me. Which means it hasn't been working for me.

The universe has shown me places that I don't need to be. Places that I do need to be. It's shown me how there are a lot of different types of people and friendships. There are a lot of surface friendships out there. In the past I have wanted so desperately to have deep, meaningful friendships that I don't stop and see people for who they are. I don't stop and listen to what people are saying. I don't evaluate them for their actions. If you listen and look, people will always show you who they are. And a lot of times they will show you that they only want to be surface friends. And that's okay. It's okay to have surface relationships with people. We are lucky if we only get a few people in our lives that we can truly count on. And the universe has been systematically showing me this over the past few months.

I'm the type of person that I take everything on and I don't stop and evaluate. I said it above. I've said it for a long time now. I listen to what others are saying to me and about me. And I take it personally. But the universe is showing me that I can't do that anymore. I can't drive myself crazy worrying about what other people are saying. Or what they think about me. That's their opinion. It's not my truth. It never has been, it never will be. I have to realize that I am capable and that I am whole and good. I'm caring. I'm sensitive. I'm emotional. I've been told over and over again that these are bad qualities. But they're not. They never have been. I've allowed people to tell me they are bad qualities. I've allowed them to tell me they are a far better person because they're not emotional. They're not sensitive. But in my book that makes them not caring. Not giving. They judge you harshly. I don't judge. I judge you based on what you are showing me. And if you are showing me you are not worthy of being in my life, I am now on the path to believing you. And that doesn't make them a bad person. Not necessarily. It just means they're not my person. And that's okay.

Why am I telling you this friends? Why am I putting this out there? Because we all struggle. I have struggled for way too long with all of this. And I'm getting off the struggle train. I'm choosing to see things and people for who and what they are. I'm choosing to close my circle. I love having surface people in my life. It means that I can talk, learn, laugh. But I don't have to always dive so deep. I can sit back and listen, watch, evaluate. I know who the deep diving people are in my life. They're the ones I call when I really need to talk. When I need a judgement free zone. They're the ones I can rely upon to uplift me. They're the ones who I can share my dreams and goals with. They're the ones who will cheer me on when I need cheering. And I will do the same for them. I always have. I always will.

I like to use the euphemism about the light at the end of the tunnel. I've been saying this for a while now--I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, friends, I am so happy to say that that tunnel was a long, dark tunnel, but I can finally, finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have so much planned. I have so much good happening in my life. I have goals and action steps. I have loving, caring people in my life. I have a great place to land for the moment. I have the best dog ever. I'm looking forward to the future while living in the now. And I'm letting go. Every day. I let things go. I step up. I listen. And I'm grateful to be on this journey.

'til next time
-k
xoxo

PS The pictures have nothing to do with this post. They're pictures that I've taken over the past several months and didn't share, or just didn't have the heart to share. I want to share ALL the things now!!