The end and a beginning

Hi Friends. I know it's been a long time. There's a reason for that. Actually, there are several reasons for that. Most of them are the typical ones--I've been busy and I've just been going through some things. I have managed to find happiness within the shattered pieces of my marriage. I set some goals for myself and I focus on those most days. I found my dream jobs. That's right--jobs. I work at a summer camp, I have my little homesteading business, and I'm a school librarian. It all adds up to a very busy, but happy life.

I've been thinking a lot about 'my story' and how I want to share that with you, but I've been very hesitant, for a lot of reasons. First, I know that if I put myself out there, some people will use that against me. It's just what happens and it's just who people are. And that's okay. It's my story to share. Second, I'll have to admit to my mistakes and where I went wrong. And that's okay too. We are who we are and we can learn and grow from our mistakes and behaviors. And that's what I'm choosing to do.

You see, I've been in therapy since March. I knew I needed to change a lot of behaviors, some ingrained and some learned. I needed to see things through a different lens. I needed to own up to my past mistakes and where I contributed to things. And that's what I've been doing. I've seen where I had really bad reactions to the choices I thought I had to make. And honestly, those reactions led to some of the darkest times in my life. I lost a job because of those behaviors. I couldn't handle all the pressure of being everything at a job and being everything at home too. It was too much. And instead of recognizing that, I had a total melt down. I've had exactly two meltdowns that led to complete changes in my life. I'm not saying that the meltdowns were good things, but the outcomes led me to good things. Losing my job led me to starting my own business.

The second meltdown led to the end of my marriage. And at first I thought my life was over, but really, my life was just beginning. My husband came to me one day before our 20 year wedding anniversary and said he didn't want to be married anymore. That he couldn't deal with my emotions. And that was that. No support. No lifting me up. No helping me. Just that he was done. And I believed him. I believed that it was all my fault. He couldn't be at fault! Of course he couldn't. Little did I know what he was planning. That he was planning on leaving me for one of my 'friends'. That he was monkey branching and that everything he'd ever told me was basically a lie. That we didn't have the marriage that I thought we did. That he sat out on our front porch, crying, telling me I was his best friend and that he would support me no matter what.

I believed him. I believed that I was this horrible person who couldn't control myself and my emotions. That I would never be happy. And that he had no fault in the demise of our marriage. In reality I was tired. So tired. I couldn't sleep. I was overweight. I surrounded myself with people who were takers and not givers. People who believed these things about me that I was telling them, and showing them, were true.

Boy, was I wrong. I was wrong about everything. I wasn't a horrible person. I didn't deserve the things that I was being told I deserved. That my lot in life was to take care of a man who couldn't take care of himself. Take care of a man who has no goals in life other than to not sit with himself and the things he's done. To take care of a man who doesn't deserve me. Friends. I am here to tell you that we all deserve better. We deserve to be treated with respect and to be lifted up in our darkest times.

And I'm here to share my story with you, in hopes that you will evaluate your life and see where you can make changes. See where you can move past things that have happened, the hurt, the betrayal. And live your best life. Because at the age of 47, that's exactly what's happening for me. My life isn't perfect. Far from it. I struggle financially. I'll talk more about that in a future post. It's worth talking about. I was told to not share private things about myself--my struggles, my finances, anything that would expose people for who they are. But now I know why. We don't want to reveal those dark parts of ourselves. Well. Friends. That's not who I am. I am a person who shares. Who gives. Who helps. If one person can benefit from my struggles and my sharing of my story, then I consider it a job well done.

I'm going to leave us here today. There will be many more stories to share with you, readers. I've had a lot of women reach out to me and encourage me, to tell me that they are leaving their unhappy marriages too. Friends. We do not have to suffer at the hands of someone else. If someone is not treating you kindly, you do not have to accept that. You do not have to live with that. Period. I will be back soon with more!

PS. I'm showing you pictures from the Fall Foliage event at the camp I work for. Camp literally saved my life. More on that in a future post. Stay tuned. Buckle up friends, it's going to be a bumpy ride. LOL.

'til next time
-k
xoxo