A boundary boss I am not. I didn’t realize this until recently. Actually, I probably knew this subconsciously, but I couldn’t articulate it until recently. As I mentioned, I’ve been in therapy. It has been a lifesaver for me. That and camp, but we’ll save that for another installment on Kristin’s new life. For today, let’s discuss boundaries. I know I needed this discussion years ago. If I’d set boundaries, and stuck to them, my life would have been a lot different. But now I know what they are, how to set them, and most importantly, how to stick to them.
What is a boundary though?
But I really had no idea what a boundary was. What does a boundary even look like? In theory I know it’s something that tells a person what you will and will not accept. For example, I will not return emails outside of business hours. Fine. That’s easy. And actually something that I never practiced until recently. There is no reason for me to return an email outside of business hours. There never has been. But I was one of those people who did that. If someone really needs to get in touch with me, they can call me. Period. Checking my email outside of work hours is only going to give me anxiety. Chances are I will have a knee jerk reaction to whatever the situation is. Or I can’t take care of the situation until the next morning. All of that is pertinent if there is a ‘situation’ that needs to be handled. So that’s worse case scenario. Best case scenario is that by returning emails, you are teaching people that you are available 24/7. And if you don’t think they will take advantage of that, friends. They will. Every. Time.
That’s just one example of how boundaries work. And it’s pretty clear cut. Or at least it is for me. But what’s harder for me to see is how we allow people to treat us by not setting boundaries. People always say ‘we show people how to treat us’, but I didn’t recognize that until I started therapy, and more recently when it hit me in the face. More on that in a minute.
We allow people to take advantage of our good natures, our open hearts, and the parts of us that long for connection and understanding. We throw the doors open and say ‘here I am! I have so much to give and I’m willing to give it to you, even though you don’t deserve it!”. And then people proceed to do just that. Sometimes they do it unintentionally because we’re showing them that we can, and will, do it all! But friends, sometimes they do it on purpose. They know they can get you to do it and they will keep on until you say ‘enough’! And I’m here to tell you the happy news–there’s a way to help people without draining yourself. And that’s by setting boundaries.
Boundaries help us to keep from being drained. They help us be able to step back and evaluate who we are and who we have in our lives. They keep us sane! I just recently learned that I had issues with boundaries. Everything came to a head recently. There were several things that kind of lined up and went BAM! in my face. And that’s when I realized I had a serious issue and after a couple of therapy sessions and talking it through with my support system, I recognized it as a boundary issue. And I’ve been able to slowly learn some guidelines for how to set boundaries. It’s not perfect and sometimes it’s not pretty and sometimes it requires me to totally ditch a situation or person, but it’s how I’m learning to set boundaries. One day I hope to be a real boundary boss.
But wait! How Do I set a boundary?
I’ve been practicing setting boundaries by turning the tables around. An easy example is with teaching. You set out your expectations for the students. If they don’t follow that expectation, you remind them. Then if they still don’t follow it, you ask someone else to remind them (such as a classmate). If they still don’t follow it you set, and stick to, a consequence. That consequence can be anything–have them do a worksheet on your expectations; take away privileges (such as they don’t get to participate in something fun); or if it’s serious enough, they get written up. That is a last resort, but it’s important to set out the expectation, set the consequence, and then follow through. The minute you don’t do these things, you’ve broken your own boundary.
That’s an easy example. It’s harder with your personal life or even with your co-workers, bosses, and your family and friends. But it can be done. You do the same thing-these are my expectations, these are the consequences, and then follow through. Sometimes when you see people for who they really are-those people who keep taking and stepping over your boundary line-it’s best to walk away. You can do this by telling them that you are walking away, but sometimes you will just have to walk away without notice. I had to do this with my marriage. Once I realized who I was dealing with I had to cut all ties and communication. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would ever be out from underneath his control. I would always go back. Over and over again. I wasn’t strong enough. But now? You bet I am!
I can tell you one more thing about how to identify if you have boundary issues. I always say yes. I never question anything. I was conditioned to do this. It’s hard to break. But now I can see how many times I’ve misstepped by not asking questions. I can’t tell you how much money I’ve wasted. How much time I’ve lost. How I have been running around driving myself crazy trying to do it all, when all I needed to do was set boundaries, ask questions, say maybe instead of yes, and delegate tasks to others.
But I’m not perfect in my boundary setting. Well, I’m pretty good with setting boundaries. I’m just not good at the follow through. But I will keep working on it. And until then I will continue to rely on my gut to tell me when I’m not making the right decision. I’ll talk it through in therapy. I’ll rely on my support system. I’ll stand back more and watch and listen rather than saying yes immediately. I’m no longer the yes person. Or at least I’m working on that. I’m now the ‘maybe’ person. And I will tell you this, friend. I. will. no. longer. chase. I’ve chased my entire life. People. Friends. Husband. Jobs. You name it. I’ve chased. Again, it’s a sign of low self worth. I will also tell you–I know my worth. I now know when I’m in a situation with someone or something that doesn’t deserve, or serve, me. And I’m quickly making the changes needed to remedy that situation. But that’s a convo for another day.
The bottom line
It’s not a perfect system. It probably never will be. But I can recognize it for what it is. I will continue to grow and learn and stretch myself. I’m in a self imposed isolation at the moment. I need time to myself. To sit with myself. To grow as a person. To reflect. To not feel the shame that has been put on me by others. Because of their decisions. Because they can’t, or won’t, sit with themselves. Because I have to own my behavior and make sure I see it, recognize it, and then move on from it.
Because at the end of the day, I want to feel good about myself. I want to have self worth and self love. And the only way I’m going to do that is by setting boundaries.
’til next time
-k
xoxo
PS These are pics that I took throughout the time that I wasn’t blogging. We have a lot to catch up on! LOL.