Intentions

Friends. I have so much to share with you. Lots swirling around in my brain. I took some time away to really try and relax and refocus. I didn't get much relaxing done, that's not really my style. I am trying to do better about giving myself permission to just be. Not all the time. I am scared I will get lazy. I don't think it would take much for me to say 'forget it' and just laze about all day, every day. I know that is probably not true, but that's how it feels when I try to relax. So. I am trying to get better about giving myself permission.

Which brings me to this blog post. It's all about intentions. I've put a lot of time, thought, and energy into my life and my business these past few weeks. Well, I mean, I've always done that, but I think I got really off course these past few months so I wanted to take a break and really set my intentions for myself and my business.

Home

I've struggled a lot with my home life. You will know that if you've been around here for any length of time, or if you follow me on social media, or if you just go back and read my blog posts from the last couple of years. I think I had to go through some stuff to fully have my eyes opened to how I was living my life, mainly who I was allowing in my life. Over the past couple of years I have worked really hard on my mental health (more on that below) but it wasn't until these past few months that I really recognized how much of a people pleaser I was. How I let guilt guide me into making decisions that weren't necessarily the best for me. And how I didn't believe in myself nor trust myself. So my home life has been slightly chaotic, to say the least. It's been chaotic most of my adult life, for these reasons that I mentioned. But I think I have finally found a place to land that will give me the peace of mind that I need. And not be so chaotic.

With all that said, my intentions with my home life are to have an aesthetically pleasing place to land. I live with a friend (more on that here in a minute) so I can't really decorate the way I would if I lived on my own. But that's okay. My friend has a beautiful home. But where I can jump in and decorate is in my bedroom and bathroom. My bedroom and bathroom are already well appointed so I am just adding some touches here and there. Some baskets, some bed sheets and comforter, just generally organizing it to make it feel like the cozy space I want to spend time in.

The other place I can really put my stamp on, along with my friend's taste, is in the garden space/outdoor living. We've spent the better part of the last three weeks since I moved in working on the back deck and the back yard. I've been working in the garden space and she and I together have created a relaxing space on the back deck with potted plants, hanging curtains, and pressure washing the deck. It's really a great space to hang out in. We even have wifi out there so I can work outside when the weather isn't so hot.

It's taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that I don't have my own place. I can't afford it financially right now. I was looking at it from a more negative place-like I was some kind of loser for being almost 50 and not having anything to show for it. Then I flipped the narrative. So what if I don't have my own place? I want to travel and I don't want to be tied down to any one place right now. I could spend my time, money, and energy into renting a place or owning some place, but then I would sacrifice my freedom and independence. So. My new narrative is: I live with my friend because she asked me to move in and I have a great place to land in between traveling, teaching classes, and figuring out where I want to go next.

So, to set my intentions about my living space, it would be to finish setting up my safe space. Make it cozy. Make it a happy place to be. I'm almost there. I finished ordering some baskets and such. I will share the final space with you once it's done. I want it to be a surprise! Here's a sneak peak at what it looked like when I first moved in and was settling in. And now, I want to really settled in here. I want to find a rhythm and routine that makes me happy.

Health

This one is a big one for me. I was probably in the best shape of my life (yes, my life!) up until earlier this year. I was working out. I was building strength. I was trail running with the dogs. I was eating good. I was really taking care of myself physically. And mentally I was doing pretty well. I had stopped therapy because I was doing okay. And then bam! Life. The universe started slamming me with changes that I needed to make and I just wasn't ready. So I gave up. I don't know any other way to put it. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped eating good, yummy, healthy food. I was working a job that I hated. I was in a living situation that was terrible for my mental health. I was trying to survive. That's all I can say. And it lasted up until I moved to my current place.

I know I feel better when I am working out, eating right, and treating myself right. So now that I am in a safe place and settled I am incorporating these things back into my routine. I will take the dogs for walks around town. I will find a way to work out with weights. I can't afford a gym membership right now, but I do have everything that I need to follow along on some youtube videos here at home. I have been back in therapy for a while now. That's been good. It's helping me understand how to trust myself. I don't trust myself. There are lots of reasons why I don't trust myself, most of it has to do with the major people that I've had in my life who told me that I wasn't smart enough, good enough, worthy enough. That I made bad decisions. That I my personality wasn't good enough. That I deserved all these horrible things/people that I allowed in my life. Yes. These are all the things that have been said to me and that I was taught that I deserved.

Before this year, I was at my ideal weight. I still had some saggy skin from losing so much weight so quickly. But I liked how I looked, overall. I felt good. I want to get back there again. So. my intentions for my health are: continue working on my mental health. Exercise. I feel so much better when I do! Get back into the shape that I was in earlier this year. Eat good food. I love eating healthy food! I love it. Drink lots of water. Do good things for myself physically and mentally. That's it. It's not that hard. It really isn't.

Well being

this is more about dating than anything. I've been single for almost 3 years now. I have been on a few dates over the past couple of years, mostly through online dating. But I find the whole process so frustrating. I don't understand the whole ghosting or breadcrumbing or endless chatter on the app. Or even once you exchange numbers, there seems to be endless chatter and not really meeting up. I've tried off and on for all this time to really embrace this new way of dating. But it's not getting me any where. I'm not finding the type of man that I want to date. So this has me thinking about a couple of things.

First, I don't really know 'my type'. I knew what my type was but that isn't really working out for me. I even made a list of qualities that I am looking for in a man, in a partner: he needs to have a worldly outlook. No close minded men for this girl. Well read, well traveled. Emotionally available. He needs to have ambition, goals, drive. No smoking. Gross. I want someone who matches my energy and puts in what he expects to get out of the partnership. As far as looks goes, I have no idea what I'm looking for. I want someone who takes care of himself. Works out. Keeps active. I like beards and tattoos. But I couldn't tell you what he looks like. I don't really care. I mean, I want to be attracted to him, but I really am looking for those other qualities.

The second thing is that I know I have an issue with needing a man's approval in order for me to feel good about myself. I get so excited when a man gives me attention. I'm aware of it and am working on it. I thought that the way to work on it was to just date. Get used to the way things are now. But I just keep getting the same results every time. I get excited. I think that I could definitely have some fun with someone and then something happens and it goes sideways. I am getting better at having very low expectations and being able to walk away much, much quicker than when I first started 'dating'. I put it in quotes because I wouldn't call what I've been doing dating. It's been more like endless chatter on a dating app and very few dates.

I do have a story to tell about what finally made me realize that dating isn't for me right now. I was on instagram and doing the endless scrolling thing. I came across two hotties. I mean, hotties. They are all tatted up. Hipsters. Swoon!! Anyway, I reached out to one of them and he responded. We 'chatted' for a minute. I put it in quotes again, because it was the bare minimum chatting from him. We agreed to meet up soon (he's in LA, I'm in TN. He will be in TN soon) and then that's all I got. I tried chatting over the next day or so and all I got were one word answers. So I stopped messaging. And started analyzing. Do I really want a guy, regardless of whether it's a dating situation, a friend situation, or something else, that can't even be bothered to give the bare minimum? Look. I'm no fool. I understand he has a gazillion followers on instagram alone. I get that he has the pick of any female that he wants. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know that I am a great catch. He doesn't know that things go deeper with me with more than what I look like. But what I learned over the course of those couple of days is that I deserve more than the bare minimum. I had the bare minimum for years. And look where that got me. I've put in a LOT of hard work on myself, and still am working on me. I know my value. I know what I bring to the table. And it's a lot more than bare minimum worthy. So I stopped. I stopped trying to figure out what the issue is. He's not the problem or issue. he is who he is. And I am who I am. And I deserve more.

Which brings me to my last point when it comes to dating. And my intentions are: I don't want to date. I just have no real desire to invite anyone into my life on a regular basis. I'm just not done growing, healing, and I'm just starting my journey. I think the past two+ years has been all about making sure I am okay. That I am safe. That I am learning and growing. And now I think my 'living my best life' journey is just starting. I have too many things to focus on other than dating. And I know the more I grow and the more confident I become with myself, the less I will seek male validation in order to prove my worth. So there. I said it. My intentions in dating: not interested in dating. Period.

Business

This is a big one for me. I started my business a few years ago with different intentions than what I've been following. Lately my intentions have been to get followers, book classes, and survive. Not really thrive. Just survive. Have you noticed a theme? At any rate, I've done some soul searching these past few weeks and have written down a list of goals. I mentioned them in my last post, and I will be back soon enough to outline all those goals and action steps. But I want to be way more intentional with my business. Get back to why I started it in the first place.

And that means moving away from billing myself as a homesteader. I know, I've been been a homesteader for so long and thought my business was all about homesteading. But it's not. It's more of a lifestyle brand. I want to teach people how to do things and make things, but it goes way beyond just homesteading. I want to show people how to make tablescapes. How to decorate. How to make cheese. How to use that cheese to make a charcuterie board. I want to take pretty pictures. I don't really care about reels and singing and dancing to get your attention on social media. I also have been sitting back and observing a lot lately, especially in the homesteading world. I feel like we judge each other for not doing enough. For being too girly. I wear make up. I do my hair. I take care of myself. I dress nice. And I get the sense that I am being judged for that. Or that people are trying to 'one up' me on the things that I know. Or that they know more than me. I don't really care. I am who I am and I will continue to be that way. But I don't want this stigma surrounding me by labeling myself as a 'homesteader'. So, lifestyle brand it is.

I want to be published. I said it on a podcast yesterday. I really want to write a book. And have it published. I want to write here in this space. So I am setting my intentions for my business: to live in this space. To get back to the reason(s) I started my business in the first place. To branch out with those intentions and be really clear on why I am doing what I am doing. Why my business is so important to me. And to step fully into who I am as my brand. Rebrand according to what will best serve me now and as I grow.

The future

I've wanted to write this blog post for a long time, but I don't think I could have written it before now. My intentions were different back then. Actually, if I'm being honest, I didn't have any intentions back then. I was just busy surviving and running from one thing to the next. But no more. I'm no longer towards things that are bright and shiny. I will be more intentional about my actions, my words, my business, my health. And my safety and well being. I left out my intentions about my finances. I think that will all come together as I move forward with these intentions. The more I live my life intentionally, the less I will spend on frivolous things. The more mindful I will be about how I spend my money. I guess I think my finances are taking a back seat at the moment so I can get myself into this more intentional space.

One last thing. I am going to be very intentional about traveling this year. I have plans for being on the road for two weeks out of the month every month, starting in August. I don't have firm plans, but I will be working on those plans. I sat at home for the better part of my adult life. When I did travel, I enjoyed it. I saw some amazing places and spent a lot of time in places in the Northeast. Y'all should know by now how much I love Cape Cod and NYC. Those were my two spots. But there's so much more to see in the US and that's where I will spend the rest of this year. Getting to know our country. And then who knows where I'll go after that. But I intend to travel. And not stop until I find the place I want to be. And then maybe I will settle down. LOL.

'til next time
-k
xoxo