New Year, New Me
Hey y'all! How are you? How have you been? I am doing better. I have so much to share with you, so hold on! This might be a LONG post! But first, we have to start at the beginning. If you've been around here for any length of time, you might know that May 8th is my new year. Most of us celebrate on January 1st every year, but my life changed for the better on May 8th, 2022. That was the day I found out who my ex-husband really was. And I vowed on that day that I would start working to better myself and to never go back to being the person that I had become.
Starting From Scratch
(Those images above were from when we were discussing the demise of our marriage. I keep them because it is a reminder to never allow a man in my life who who do that to me. The last image is from May 8, 2022 when I got confirmation that my husband was not a good person.)
It was hard. I have never hurt like that before. There were tears. There was anger. There was a lot of healing that needed to be done. And a lot of forgiving. Not of him. But of me. None of this has to do with him. He is who he is. He fooled me for 20 years but my eyes were wide open on May 8th. So I celebrate every year. I look back on where I was and how far I'd come. I made a lot of decisions since then and that's what this post is about. It's about making decisions because I thought I HAD to. And maybe I did at the time. I was left with nothing. My ex husband took everything on the day he said he didn't want to be married anymore. I believed him. I believed him from the day I met him. Little did I know what I was in for for the next 20+ years. But that was my fault. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't trust myself. I didn't have confidence in myself.
Where did you learn that from?
When you grow up with a parent who tells these things to you and shows you that you are not worthy, that you are not good enough and that you will never be good enough, you believe these things. And then you live your life believing these 'truths'. And you choose partners and people in your life who reinforce these 'truths'. You are constantly chasing something that isn't true. You give of yourself over and over again. You think there's something wrong with you. That you aren't good enough. Except that these things are all lies. You've believed something your entire life that isn't true. Because you are good enough. You are not those things that have been spoon fed to you your entire life. You married those things. And then the marriage fell apart because you couldn't give anymore of yourself. You were used up. You were literally broken. And your husband provoked that in you. And then walked away (to be with your friend, mind you. He knew what he was doing the whole time. And you believed the things that he said to you and about you).
Healing
Which brings me to the past 6 months or so. Like I said above, I made decisions my entire life based on falsehoods. I made decision because I thought it was what I should be doing or what I thought I had to do. But in March 2022 I found a therapist who would help change everything for me. She helped me see that I wasn't living my life authentically. That I made these decisions based on things that were out of my control. That I choose a poor partner for my life who perpetuated these falsehoods. That was a taker and not a giver. And that I was worth loving. But I had to love myself first. And I struggled with that. It took me a very long time to recognize that I was worthy. And that I could love myself. And that I wasn't the horrible person that I was led to believe that I was. And that I had really poor taste in men.
Moving On
Fast forward to a year ago. I made the decision to leave upstate NY. It was no longer serving me. I had explored all my options and just was not thriving there. I had what I thought was my dream job but it turned out to be a dream from a different life. So I packed up my life and moved to TN. I made a deal with the devil, if you will. I moved back into my childhood home, thinking it would be different. And it was a for a moment. I started my business over, literally from scratch. It has been very well received here. But I also knew I needed a full time job in order to make ends meet, and to hopefully afford to live on my own. So, once again, I did what I thought I had to do. I took the first full time job that came along. It turned out to be a disaster for me. I am not cut out to be sedentary. I can't spend my days in a cubicle doing the same thing over and over again. It's not me. I learned that very valuable lesson. But more importantly I learned that I needed to start trusting myself. When my gut is screaming at me, I need to heed what it is saying.
But. The deal with the devil is what made life very hard this past year. Just when I thought I had 'made' it. I chose to move to TN. I knew that it was a pit stop. I need to explore more areas before I decide on where I want to live for the foreseeable future. I do want to own my own house one day. That has always been a goal. But I want to explore and figure out where that more permanent place will be. At any rate, I thought TN would be a great jumping off point. So I moved into my childhood home. And then the reign of terror started. And I have been fighting for peace of mind since then. Things got really bad this year. I couldn't fight at work and fight at home. I was in a no-win situation. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped doing a lot of things that I enjoyed doing. I was being berated at home in a way that I couldn't fathom a parent would treat a child. I was back to where I was when my marriage ended-hopeless. I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see a future for my business. What was the point? You are being told that you are a horrible person and that you don't matter. That you aren't good enough. That you will never amount to anything.
Foraging a new path
And then it dawned on me. I'm not the problem. I never have been. My reactions have been awful, to say the least. And I didn't believe in myself nor that I deserved better than what I was getting. That I actually allowed all of this to happen, instead of choosing me. I chose to believe the bullshit that I was being fed. Until now. I'm back in therapy. I have really good people in my life. The people that the lies have been told to have one by one been telling me that they believe in me. I meet people all the time and they can see the good in me. The hard work that I put into myself and my business. And since my new year just started, I've been thinking about a lot of things. I've had some really great meetings lately that have encouraged me to keep moving forward. To think about my authentic self. And to move my business forward in a way that feels authentic to who I am. Who I've always been, but was too afraid to step into fully.
New Year, New Me
So, as I look to this next year, I have some goals, some dreams to accomplish. Here's where I start to live my life according to my rules. I no longer want to do things that I think I should do. I will no longer allow negativity into my life. I am moving in two weeks. It's not a move that I thought I would be making. I didn't want to do it originally. My friend has been trying to get me to move in with her since last summer, but I didn't think it was the right move. I see now that I needed to go through these past few months in order to really, fully open my eyes up. To hit rock bottom and see that these lies I've been told my whole life were just that-lies. To see my parent for who they really are and to see what kind of impact that has made on me my entire life. And to be able to step fully into being who I've always wanted to be and who I always saw myself being.
So. In two weeks I am moving and I hope to be able to fully step into my authentic self. I love this space here on my website. I've long neglected it. It is so hard for me to put myself out there when I feel like I don't have anything to give. When I have my defenses up 100% of the time. I am slowly letting my defenses down. I am opening my life up to love. I've always been a lover. I just give love to the wrong people. From here forward I will start loving myself all the time. Or at least try to. I will love the people in my life and no longer allow takers in. Not all the way in. There's no way to cut all the negativity and takers out of life, but I can keep them at bay. I get myself in trouble when I make decisions based on 'shoulds' and 'have tos'. And for not listening to my gut. So I will tune into my gut more often. I will do things that bring me peace and joy and happiness. And do that with people who also bring me peace and joy and happiness. I used to be really in tune with listening to other people. I used to give gifts (it was a love language of mine. But I gave one too many times to the wrong person and I stopped doing it). I'd like to bring back a lot of me that I've lost and neglected through the years.
I want to live, breathe my business. I want that business to live here on the website. I don't like social media. I get so caught up in it. I don't want to do what everyone else is doing. I don't want to look like everyone else. I don't want to jump through hoops to get people's attention. I want to live authentically and do what is best for me. I want to take pictures and write about life. I want to make things and grow things. And I will have that chance now. I really think this next move will be the one that propels me in the right direction. That comforts me. That supports me. And that will allow me to step fully into who I've always meant to be.
Ready for the next step
And I'm ready. I'm ready to get back to exercising and eating good, yummy food. I'm ready to travel. I'm planning on starting that in August. I am working on my first trip. It will be for two weeks and will take me out west to lands that I haven't seen before. To places I've longed to visit. And I'm doing it on my own. No one to tell me no. No one to discourage me. My support system has been amazing. I couldn't have done all of this without them. I have the best people in my life now. And most of them I have known for 20+ years. They're the ones who knew me before I got married. And they're still here. I have some new people in my life too who are equally as encouraging. And I strive to be that in their lives as well.
I used to think I'm too old. I still think that sometimes. I'm nearing 50. That's crazy to me. I sometimes wonder if there's a person out there for me. But I am so picky now. I won't settle. Been there, done that. I know who I am and I know what I want. I see so many dating things on social media now. I gave up tiktok because it's like one big dating app now. For some reason Instagram is turning into that too. All I see are 30-something men lamenting about being single. I hate that for them. I do. But goodness, I want something more from the socials. And something more for my dating life. That life is non-existent. But maybe I will want to put myself out there one day. In the meantime, I will be here in my personal space writing about life. Making and doing. And I can't wait to have you join me.
I'm sharing a lot of photos here. A lot of them I've neglected to share because of not being able to open myself up while I am defending myself or having my guard up for too long. I can feel that guard slowly slipping away. And that's a good thing. It helps me be more open. So. These pictures are from the beginning of the year until now. It's been a long time coming y'all. Hang on tight. I know I've said it before, but I am just getting started.
I tell you all of this so you will know who I am. Where I've come from. And where I'm going. I hope you will stick around here on the website and read my words. Look at my pictures. Watch me grow into the person that I want to be. Take a class. Watch a video. Write some words back to me.
'til next time
-k
xoxo
